WELCOME TO THE FUCKEDUP WORLD OF ME.

so i think maby i just need a to let a few people in to get some support, wich i've never had before, a support system, before i was ready to really and truly get help. i called my therapist that i stoped seeing cause i didn't want to hear what she had to say, i'd only seen her like 4 times and hadn't seen her in about 2or3 months. (time tends to blend togeather for me ) i'd never seen any one before her and was kinda helped along to go and see her by a concernined friend. but any way she was happy to hear from me and saw me the next day. she was a little horified by how much weight i'd lost in such a short period of time (i still don't think it's been that much and that i still have more to lose) but she was happy i'd made the decision to come back. however she basically said that if i pull that leaving shit again she would have to take charge and maby see about getting me put in an impatient faciality because i guess i qualify as a harm to myself and she wants me to get "healthy". So now i'm pissed i have no choice but to continue to see her or she's gonna put me away!! What the fuck?! this sucks!!!!!!!!!!! i do like that she's straight up and dosen't beat around the bush and i guess i should be thankful that she's givin me a chance to try again my way with out imediatly locking me away but knowing that is appearently an "option" is scary. how did i let my life get this bad and get this far out from under me? aahhhhhhhhhh... We are gonna have a talk about medication and about a diagnosis wich makes me scared. i don't know if i wanna be all "druged" (of course if it's illegal and of my choosing then i'm fine with that) but to walk around drugged every days scares me for some weird reason. and diganosis... i thought that was already determined: bulimic self injurer, isn't that already figured out? don't tell me there's more or something else cause i'm not sure i'll be able to deal with that and if she tells me something i don't wanna hear i'll want to walk out again and then she'll have to "take appropiate action" whatever the fuck that's suppose to mean! i just wish i had more soft places to fall, that my friends (well the 3 that know about the cutting) would not be so afraid to bring it up. I don't like to bring up personal sensitive topics but i do feel like i need them to know whats going on so they can be there for me. but then again i hate being "drama' or a burden wich is why i think i have to get sooo overwhelmed or drunk to bring up the topic. i think i just need someone to tell me its gonna be okay. however i'm sure they themselves aren't comfortable with the topic of cutting because how cold they be? it's something i'm not even comfortable with and i do it. i'm also afraid that if they find out i'm bulimic on top of the cutting that it will be to much for them to handle and will just think i have to many "problems" and not want to be around me and deal with me cause i'm fucked up. i don't know but i think i just need to talk because i can't deal with myself alone any more. i just have never been good about letting people in because they always fuck me over and leave, so what's the point. however as i get older i realize that because i don't have any family, friends are all i've got and that makes me not want to loose them. i love them and need them more then they know right now. i just wish i had the courage to tell them that. oh well. that's all for now i just need a place to rant sometimes and this mindsay thing seems to be my only safe option. so yea for mindsay! well, gotta go, bye for now.

so i feel like i'm both "me's" at the same time right now, wich is weird for me. Yes, i'm buzzed, on coke (wich i haven't done for a while, but it was around and i can never turn down an upper ) and i just cut. I think this was the worst cutting bing i've had in a long while! i bleed so much i think i even passed out for a few and there was so much blood on the floor it was like a reality check. i went to see my oldest and dearest friend yesterday. we grew up togeather and have known each other forever. we kinda lost touch for a bit and cycle through phases of talking all the time and then not for months straight. i realize that is mostly my fault cause people get close then i realize they are close and i push them away before they can push me away. with her i just ignore her, never really pushed her away just ignored and hoped she'd go away, secreatly glad she never did though! she'd just ignore me and my "phase " and be there the second i wanted to participate in the world again socially. any how i had forgotten how well she knows me, as we are working on me comming outta one of my phases again and as we get older it takes longer to re-bond again. but i know we will always be friends and she will always be there for me. so i'm at her house sat. night drinking, okay drunk and i bring up the topic of me and scars and cutting without saying the word "cutting" to feel out the waters of maby telling her i do this. and she turns to me and says "i know. you've done it for a long time and the reason i'm not overally concerned is cause i know you are not trying to kill yourself. cause with you there would be no trying you'd just do. i know when you are ready you'll stop. when you are ready you will decide to be done and do whatever steps are necessary to stop. whatever... i love you." woa i was so blowen away that she knew...i thought she didn't know! it's amazing how you can think you are hidding things but you really aren't. it's like she knows me way to well, better then i know myself at times. it was a nice feeling to finally have that out in the air (alough i'm preatty sure she dosn't know about my bulimua, that's my bigest bigest secret!) and interestingly enough it was like a weight had been lifted from me. No "you should stop lecture, no shocked horror, no nothin. just a whatever attitude...WOW! that is why i love her. so we rebonded this weekend and had a very nice time. then i came home sun. early evening purged my lunh and then went to one of my friends house. we drank and talked, i did a little coke (what can i say ... uppers are awsome they help me think straight at times.) i had a great time with friends chillen and hanging. came home fairly early for me cause i was being responsible and have to work tomorrow and decided to take a shower before i crashed tonight so i can sleep in a little extra tomorrow. told my self i wasn't gonna cut there was no reason to (i usually cut before a shower in the morning, and at night when i get home) and got ready to take a shower, turned it on and got in and the urge was so strong to cut that i turned it off, got out and went crazy cutting, the worst i've done in a long long time, and lately it's gotten crazy bad. i just couldn't say no to the blade, it was like i couldn't control it and turn off the urge, like i'd fall apart or something if i didn't do it. and i was so mad at myself for having to do it even though i felt like i didn't want to i went crazy with that blade. i cut all of my "cutting area" an both legs and cut so deep i was bleeding a steady stream of red. the floor was all covered in my blood and i almost sliped a few times then i got back in the shower and realized that i cut so deep i couldn't stop bleeding. it took me a good thirty minutes and all my "skills" to stop the bleeding. thats when i realized...oh my god i am not in control of this anymore, it DOSE controll me. Wow...a light bulb moment? it just might be. (and sorry to be so graphic but those are the facts.) i feel strangly at peace with this and i'm wondering if it's just the coke wearing off or if i'm still gonna feel this way tomorrow. i thinks thats why i decided to write this down, so tomorrow i can read this and see if i still feel the same. well i'm crashing now and i gotta work early so to bed i'm gonna go. good night.

i don't know why but i just feel so withdrawn lately. i'm fine in the morning and at work i seem like myslf but the secend i walk through the door at night i feel like i enter a black vortex. i am alone with me myself and i . i hate that!! i have other options, i could be out with friends, doing work, talking on the phone...connecting with people but instead i choose to be at home alone and by myself. why...i have no idea. i just don't feel like i have the engery or drive to engage in the world socially. i want to i just don't care to . it's weird and once again i make no sence. i know that! i hate myself. i want... no i need to learn to like myself. if i don't figure out how i'm afraid one of my impulses will take over and i won't have a chance to regret it later. why am i like this? what the hell is wrong with me? i hate this! fucked up me. that is my reality.

i'm all or nothing... up or down. i have no inbetween. i'm dying to be "seen" yet i'm fadding fast fallng inbetween ...the cracks. screaming on the inside, smilling on the out. Crying inside, dying on the out. Yet i don't want to be found out. knowing that people will hate, fake pitty and sympathony i just cant take! i hate when people pretend..when they find out your "broken" then they come and gather around "carring" but really they are just trying to make themseles feel better cause if they actually cared that much for you they would of been with you through the up and the down. they would of seen that the up was just a mask hidding the pain that drags you down. everybody is just to caught up in their own shit to realize that we all have shit going on and sometimes when somebody stops to ask how you are and you answer "good" because that's sociaties acceptable and expected response, almost an automatic reaction to that question, they need to not be so quick to accept that answer because that's what they were expecting to hear and really they just asked you to be polite them selves, they really need to stop and think and look into your eyes as you answer and ponder if that answer is true or just an automtic response to their automatic question that society has passed off as an acceptable conversation because you have now both been polite. We need to stop being so fucking polite and look people in the eyes when we talk to them that way we can really see them and not just hear them and accept whatever they say as truth.

guess i just needed to rant.

i'm not writting lately because i'm in a blah mood and don't feel like doing anything more then the bare minimum of what i have to. so when i feel like it, i'll write again. i just want to sleep and do nothing! But i still have to go to work and it's amazing how much energy that even takes lately! whatever....ttyl...

i hate how a side affect of bulimia is loosing your voice. i like to talk and every six weeks or so it dissapears (and stays gone longer every time!) and i'm willing to bet that my purging is the cause. it's weird though...i don't remember this happening when i first started, but that was a long time ago. it seems that only in the past two years has this been a problem for me and it keeps getting more frequent. it's getting hard to find an excuse that dosn't make people suspicious though. i think somne of my closer friends are starting to wonder what's up. but i just blame it on stress and so far that's working for me. i'm just getting annoyed though...the other effects can tolerate...i don't mind them..but this not being able to talk thing is driving me crazy!! (and i don't need any help with that! )

if any one knows any good tips for getting your voice back...let me know PLEASE! my throat is not soar (or i just don't even feel it anymore) it's just lyngytis.

As far as my easter...i ended up being woken up by my best friend and was talked into going to dinner with her and her parents (the promise of alcohal was used). As much as i was reluctant to go i ended up having a decent time. and was able to resume my sleep after. i still am not a fan of holidays but i like time off from work and i think we should keep them around for kids. (not like i have any say in the decision of holidays but i like to think i do =)).

i have decided i hate holidays. they just remind me of how alone i really am. yea i have friends but they are all with there familys doing family things (and i have no family i am in contact with) and yea i was invited by a couple of them but i declined cause i always end up feeling like the third wheel probably cause i am. so here i am on easter all alone and feeling sorry for myself and all those people like me who are alone on holidays. oh well... it's only a day. maby i'll crawl into bed and sleep till tomorrow that will make the day pass by faster and a little less lonley. yea... thats what i should do...

i finally figured out how come i can never get ahead financially. fucken binging is expensive. it's rediculous how much money i spend a month on food. and just to throw it up?! i make no sence. i want to buy some new jeans and clothes for the summer, but i can't cause all my money goes to food! if i use the money for clothes i will not be able to fit into them for very long cause i'd just get big and fat again without purging. and i can't not eat cause i'm fucken hungry like all the time and i love food sooooo much! and when i eat i can't just eat a little cause that's just to hard for me to control. i hate this , but i love this too. aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! well at least cuttings not that expensive i just got a new pack of blades that's ten of them for like $3. I can't wait to use them...there's something about a fresh blade that's awsome! well, we all know what i'll be doing later tonight...heheehe =).

i'm not sure what i'm even waiting for....i know all the shit i'm doing is messed up and i need help. i'm not stupid, i get that! i'm just not ready for help yet, cause i just don't want to stop. i like my viceses! i think i'm waiting for some big "light bulb" moment or something. i don't know. i think i'm just waiting to be ready. flirting with danger to see how far i can push it. i guess i just think it's okay cause i don't want to stop and one day i'll probably be ready to. one day,... yea ...one day. i wonder when that day'll be?

can i just say how much i hate fucken scales! they are evil machines made specifically for torturing us. i'm suppose to be loosing weight...NOT gaining it! i went up a pound. that is so annoying i'm already fat enough!!! i'm trying to lose weight dosn't my body get that? i think it's just against me! maby i should just stop eating...but i can't. see my problem is i love food SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much i can't stop sholveling it in. i have so much respect for those people that are annorexic cause they can acually say no to food. they have control over it. i have no control over food wich is why after eating sooooo much of it i have no other option but to get rid of it before it makes me insanly fat. i just want to be curvy and pretty, i'm not going for skin and bones, just attractive. i've been there before, and i'm determinded to be there again. this works i know it does cause it's worked for me before! i just need it to work again! just have to give it more time. keep trying, purge longer, keep going you'll get there this is what i tell myself.

i'm just trying to figure out how i got this fucked up. i was never molested, raped or any of those other horable things that usually contribute to these problems i have. my parents never divorced (unfortunatelly) i had food and shelter everyday of my young life and was an only child. why, why, why am i suffering inside sooooooo much? i don't get it. i have no good reason to be this fucked up, yet i'm more fucked up then anyone i know. i think i may find distractions in my problems.maby they keep me from focusing on my pain. but that still leads me to ask why i have this pain.

i come off really strong and outgoing, but it's all a front to keep me protected. i'm really sensitive, aquward and shy. i feel stupid most of the time, ignorant to the whole social structure going on around me. i'm always afraid i'll say the wrong thing and reveal to everone around how stupid i acually am. i think thats why i'm such a fan of alcahale, it can always be an accptable excusse that one "get outta jail free card" if you say something that no one understands or that is "wrong". you just blame it on the liquor and everyone just nods their heads understandingly and moves on. it's a good cover for being stpid. yes i am a big fan of alcahale.

so i've been trying to figure myself out and i'm having a hard time doing that. i tried to take a step back and look at myself objectivly and this is what i found...a 24year old, a bulimic, a self harmer, a useded to be drug addict, a problem drinker, a person who pushes people away, and a person who appears to everyone to have all her shit togeather, and a person who is lucky to not be dead yet. wow. reality check! I sound like a girl with just a bunch of high school drama (no offensive to any high schoolers) but the thing is i'm not. i am an adult and i will be an adult till the day i die. there is no ging back...there is no growing up there is only growing and with in that relm there is suppose to be this functuning perductive member of society. so that is what i do every day... i pretend to play that role...and i've gotten really good at it. but i'm tired of pretending! i'm tired of pushing people away to afraid to let them in cause i'm to afraid i'm gonna hurt them. i think i try to save people from the dark raths of myself. hurt them before they hurt you mentality. i wish i was strong enough to just stand up and scream that i am not okay i am not who i'm pretending to be! but i'm not that strong..to ashamed to let people in...to embarassed to admit that i'm not really the me i pretend to be. i think i think if i pretend long enough it will become real. that the pretend me will step up and take over the real me. fake it to you make it. the only question remaining is...will i make it?

it's weird... i know i'm killing myself and that i should stop, but i don't want to. it makes no sence and i get that. i'm going to die at the hands of myself and i don't care enough to stop. maby that's what i need... i need to learn how to care, care about me. i don't want to die, i just don't want to stop eather. i have no idea how i got this fucked up. suicide would not be an option for me, i would never attempt it at this point in my life yet i'm just doing it slowly by binging and purging. i don't want to die yet i know that's a side affect of what i'm doing and i don't care enough to stop. don't want to die, don't want to stop. guess i'm just stuck in the middle.

* TEARS OF RED *

MY LIFE IS LIKE A TEATER TOTTER
ONE SIDE WAY UP
THE OTHER WAY DOWN.
IN THE MIDDLE, I'M AFRAID
A SPIROLL VORTEX WAITS FOR IT'S PRAY
TO SUCK IT IN
AND PULL IT DOWN.
A DOWNWARD SPIROLL INTO THE ABYSS.
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN I GO
WHERE I'LL LAND? NOBODY KNOWS.
I TRY TO FIGHT IT
TO WEAK TO RESIST IT
TO MEEK TO USE MY VOICE
TO SPEEK UP AND SCREAM HELP.

I'M TRYING
BUT I'M DYING
INSIDE
I'M AFRAID
I'M FAILING TO EXZIST.

TEARS OF RED STAIN MY SKIN
STREEKS RUN DOWN
POOLING ON THE GROUND.
MY RELEASE
MY RELEIF
IF ONLY BREIF
IT BUYS A MOMENT IN TIME
ONE MORE TO ADD
TO THE LIST
AS I TRY TO STRUGGLE THROUGH THIS.

HOW MY LIFE TURNED INTO THIS
DOWNWARD SPIROLL INTO THE ABYSS
I DON'T KNOW.
UNSURE I SEEM OF EVERYTHING.

UNABLE TO GRASP ON
I STRUGGLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH
RELYING ON MY TEARS OF RED
TO HELP ME MAKE MY WAY
TO THE NEXT DAY.

THEY MAY STREEK AND STAIN
LEAVING SCARS OF INNER PAIN
BUT IN THE END
IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.
THIS IS WHAT HELPS ME MAKE IT THROUGH!!

MORE AND MORE EACH TIME
LIKE AN ADDICTION
I KEEP ADDING ANOTHER LINE.
BUT IT'S OKAY
CAUSE IN THE END
THESE TEARS OF RED
ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND!

DON'T TRY TO DENY ME THIS
OR FIGHT ME ON THIS
CAUSE IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME
MY ONLY CHOICE WILL BE TO SUBCOME TO THIS
DOWNWARD SPIROLL INTO THE ABYSS.
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN I GO.

THE ONLY WAY TO SLOW THIS DEATH SPIN
IS MY PARACHUTE MADE OF BLADES.
IT OPENS UP
AND THE VORTEX
THE SPINNING
INSTINANTLY SLOWS DOWN.
AS I CRY MY TEARS OF RED.
RELEIF IS ALL THAT CAN BE SAID.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

FOR THE MOMENT NOW
IT'S ALL OKAY
THESE TEARS OF RED ADORNE ME.
MY BATTLE SCARS BECOME MY STRENGTH
AND WEAKEN ME FROM ANY OUTTER JUDGE
FOR I AM ME!!
THAT IS ALL I'LL EVER BE.
SO WHATEVER!
I HOPE YOUR LIFE IS BETTER!!!
NOW GO AWAY
I NEED MY VICE!

TEARS OF RED
ARE THE BEST WORDS NEVER SAID!

SLOWLY THEY STREEK
AND COLLECT
IN THE END FORMING A PUDDLE THAT SCREAMS
SHE'S IN TROUBLE!
BUT NOBODY HEARS
OR NOBODY CARES
SO THEY WALK AWAY
AND ONCE AGAIN I WIN.
SUCCEDING AT PUSHING AWAY
ANYONES ATTEMPTS TO CARE FOR ME.
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.
DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND?
I'M ONLY TRYING TO SAVE THEM
FROM THE INNER WRATHS OF ME
THAT ARE QUITE DISTURBING
AS YOU CAN SEE
FOR IF YOU GET TO CLOSE
I'LL PUSH YOU BACK...
MY WALL OF SCARS IS SURE TO DO THAT!

SO DON'T MESS WITH ME
BELEIVE MY SMILE THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS SEE
AND LET ME BE!

MY TEARS OF RED BECOME ME.
THEY ARE MY LIFES ACCESSORY!
I'D WEAR THEM PROUD
BUT I'M ASHAMED
AFTERALL...THERE'S ONLY ME TO BLAME.
SO IN THE END
THE VORTEX CLINGS
AND MY BODY SCREAMS
A POOL OF RED SEEMS TO WAIT
AT THE BOTTOM OF MY ABYSS.
FILLING MORE EVERY DAY
BUT IT'S OKAY!
I'VE COME TO ACCEPT THIS UGLY PART OF ME
AS MY OWN UNFORTUNATE DESTINEY.

DOWN, DOWN, DOWN I GO
WHERE I'LL LAND
I DO NOT KNOW.
BUT MY TEARS OF RED...
THEY WILL BE
DOWN THERE
WAITING FOR ME.
TO COMFORT ME AND NEVER LEAVE.
MY TEARS OF RED
THEY HELP ME BREATH.